week fifty-two

the beginning and the end collide in this space
and i find myself fulfilled.
this journey has come full circle.
from a desire to learn 
to a knowledge that there really is no end to learning
from a place of bravery 
to the acceptance of my limitations
but also my talents, and my beauty 
and my worthiness. 
I believe I have accomplished my goal: 
to capture and portray myself
and then it all~ 
preserved in 4x6.

week fifty-one

will this melancholia consume me 
or will these eyes shine once again? 
am I apparent through my actions
the way I walk, the way I laugh, the way I am
can you still smell me 
through my perfume? 
nostalgia is a thing I can cradle in my hand. 
does a poem of silence still hold meaning?
beyond the words I write the message is all too clear
I am here.  
dreams, light, heart and all. 
I am here.

week fifty

I am from the far north
from sawmills and broken hearts
that will heal eventually.
I am from two homes
from cucumbers and cupcakes 
(I never forgave myself for nibbling) 
I am from straight A's 
from the written page and world's beyond mine
from siblings I can't stop loving
and the one that got away.
I am from Bible verses.
from the backs of horses 
to behind the wheel and still afraid
I am from long hugs and lots of tears.
I am from Mona Moose and shadylane. 
I am from counting hours and touching hearts
with truth.
from biting heels and sharing words.
I am from true love.
from our park and first kisses and life together.
I am from creativity
a place I cannot let go of. 

week forty-nine

make this spinning world stop
let me step off of this crazy carousel ride
and catch my breath
before the next adventure
before the next trial
before the nest day slips 
into a memory.
freeze this moment here with me
share in these simple things
a new scarf
jeans that fit
and a long ride home
just you and me.
these are the pleasures of a life shared
to have someone to ride beside.

week forty-eight

the chill in the air
fuels the chill in my soul
I can barely feel my own heartbeat. 
these raindrops turned snowflakes
mimic the nature of my fears
I am scared of change
I am paralyzed by transformation
I dread each day for how it will be 
different from yesterday.
so now I'm stuck
stranded knee-deep
frozen in this state of being.
you look at these falling bits of frozen water
and see beauty.
I can't keep myself from shivering...

November

I have been renewed and newly inspired thanks to the lovely Viv and her wonderful class that im in the middle of called You are Your Own Muse.  it is all about self-portraiture...the techniques used, editing tips, but most importantly:  seeing your own beauty.  she has infused this into my portraits this month.  i am so thankful.  The snow has arrived now... i can't believe this year is almost over.  5 more weeks.  5 more pictures.  5 more poems.  the end is bittersweet...

1. week | forty-four, 2. week | forty-five, 3. week | forty-six, 4. week | forty-seven

week forty-seven

I create because I am who I am...

I am who I am because I create. 

to make something beautiful 

and meaningful with my own hands

a gift I treasure.

preserving memories

making memories

I am blissful within my memories

dancing like my 12 year old self

singing because I love it

making art out of life. 

week forty-six

perhaps no one really understands
what it means to me...
to take a picture of myself
to capture that exact moment in time
too have something tangible to share
this is the thing I can give...
the thing I can believe has meaning 
beyond just myself.
this is my journey: 
self portraiture and poetry.
so I will never forget...

week forty-five

i took a walk today 
in the still of the cool autumn air
where the chill whispered its secrets to me 
and told me truth:
i am good enough. 
i am worthy.
i am brave. 
and for once
perhaps twice 
and most definitely a third time
i believed.  

week forty-four

the warmth from the sun
does much to soothe 
the aches I feel
some physical
some emotional
the daylight helps ease from my mind
the sleepless nights I suffer through
I'm tired ~ but can't close my eyes
I'm trying ~ to find peace inside
comforted today just by 
the light from the sun
resting softly on my face. 

October

this month was full of highs and lows...and they all seemed to match the weather.  fall has definitely arrived and i am so thankful for it.  the leaves all become flowers and the crisp air is welcomed after the stifling heat.  this project is winding to a close... but i feel like i am just now beginning to tell my story.  i am embracing the time i have left in 2010.  here's to another new month. 

1. week | thirty-nine, 2. week | forty, 3. week | forty-one, 4. week | forty-two, 5. week | forty-three

week forty-three

oh my sweet one
do you notice my distress?
I ache for you to see me
and ease my troubled mind
to tell me I am perfect for you.
and then it happens
you take my hand
and once again I feel whole
our words spill out after too long
and they sound so similar
they feel so familiar
we share the same aches
my sweet one
and together we can soothe them.
we have fallen in love again
it is a treasure to have this time with you
these hours just us
to slow down and be as we once were
as we are meant to be
oh my sweet one
my heart feels full 
and my smile is real again.

week forty-two

I have a dream...
to live in a perpetual autumn
to walk and feel a crunch beneath my feet
to breath in deep
and surrender to the crisp air
of life around me.
i live for the days of fallen red leaves
and hue-filled sunsets
this is my time...
October looks good on me. 

week forty-one

underneath this sweet smile
there is pain
sometimes you can see it in my eyes.
I do my best to hide
the stains...the dirt...the mud
I feel splattered in
covered in the memories that trap me
I cannot rid myself of their residue. 
they are like my shadow ...
a constant companion
a constant reminder
of my imperfections.
the weight of it all bares down on me
I cannot live up to these expectations...

week forty

I dream of days like this.  
I cherish them amidst the madness. 
a moment to breathe and smile and savor 
the little things.
sisters and matching shirts,
good french fries and decorating boxes
singing Disney songs and reminiscing about childhood.
today taking pictures makes me smile again. 

week thirty-nine

 my days are filled with a raging quiet i can't explain
each second slams hard into the next
and i am left short of breath...
gasping, and hurting, and crying for air
though no one knows.
even the one who is supposed to know.
my hands feel empty
my heart feels empty
my life is empty.
i find nothing left to hold onto
could i just hold onto you?
would you notice if that's all i could do?
could you bear the weight of these walls falling down around me?
i don't want to be alone. 

September

at this point, i really have no words to describe september, as very apparent by the fact that i have no poems for the whole month (at time of this writing).  it has been a month full of extreme highs and lows, stresses, let downs and loss.  but im proud of myself for taking pictures through it all.  i might not have the words, but at least i have the pictures...

1. week | thirty-five, 2. week | thirty-six, 3. week | thirty-seven, 4. week | thirty-eight

week thirty-eight

the time has come to walk away...
I can feel these dreams of mine being ripped from my hands
the life I thought we were creating 
has now been pulled out from underneath me. 
I feel loss. 
but there is no time to grieve
for the moment has passed.

again we are searching
yearning for the things we thought we'd found.

is there a way to say goodbye without this pain? 
is there another way to hide my tears? 
for my breath is gone, 
but not my fears.

week thirty-seven

 at that moment
the floor dropped
falling...falling...falling...
is my permanent state of existence.

there goes the other me...
somehow she's falling up.
perhaps she will find the meaning in all of this
perhaps there is no meaning.

just action and reaction
and me
a girl in panic. 

week thirty-six

have I given all I can give? 
will these words of mine be enough? 
do my eyes pierce your soul 
to that place no one can see? 
I wish I knew... 
I wish I could hold onto the things you feel
the things you find in your heart.  
is it wrong to need reassurance?  
to need to know I can have an impact 
on your life, your world, your days.
is it wrong to crave your approval? 
in spite of my questions I am pushing through...
this is a commitment I am keeping.

week thirty-five

i feel the ground beneath me 
tremble in anticipation
today the future feels bright
there is truth in knowing
there is nowhere to go but up
up from here 
looks like the shimmer 
of a dream i used to know
that has called out to me.
i am eager to be reacquainted.  
i know there will be mis-steps and stumbles 
along the way
but i see the road
i embrace this journey
i keep looking up.

August

This month was full of fresh fruit, amazing surprises, discoveries and lots of caffeine.  I turned 24 in August, got to see my brother for the first time in 3 years, and made the decision to pursue photography as a career.  It was a hot, busy month, but an important part of the journey.  I am so glad im documenting it through this project. 

1. week | thirty-one, 2. week | thirty-two, 3. week | thirty-three, 4. week | thirty-four

week thirty-four

there is a part of me i know is safe with you
the part of me that is desperate to hold on to my childhood innocence
the childhood we shared.
you are now my protector, little brother.
the miles do not matter
the years between us do not matter
all that matters is right now
and the gift i have been given....
being your sister.

week thirty-three

 i try hard to remember what your face looked like
but it feels so far away.
you used to glow,
the air around you used to glisten,
and there was life in your smile.
i miss your smile now...your real smile
and your full-belly laughter.
i miss the way you made people feel 
and how much you cared.
i miss the ease with which you lived.
i try so hard to remember what you were like
and how you used to be,
to remember the reasons for your joy.
it all feels so very far away...
you feel so very far away...
come back, Shaina, come back.
i miss you.

week thirty-two

I am diving head-first
into this thing called life.
eager to discover,
eager to celebrate,
eager to live in the here and now.
discovery comes from being open...
being willing to embrace change
and the things life throws my way.
there are many lessons to be learned.
there are many lessons i have learned.
and now i move forward
vulnerable, curious and ready
for this thing called life.

week thirty-one

can i tell you a story?
can i share a memory?
all about the days when we were twelve or thirteen...
when summer smelled like horses,
saw mills and fresh raspberries,
when our biggest worry was
getting in before dark,
when the world beyond the pasture
felt like home.
now i get to tell this as a story
and i get to live it as a memory...
when in the summer i cherish
all the raspberries i can find,
when it seems like all i have
are worries,
when the pasture is gone and
now im buying my own home.
this is my life
I savor.
I remember.
I share.

July

i absolutely can not believe how fast the month of july went by...  full of hot days and rushed photoshoots, but ultimately, some of my favorite finished images.  funny how i seem to say that every month.  i have a feeling this finished year of portraits and poems is going to be a project i am so so proud of.
thanks for being a part of it.

1. week | twenty-seven , 2. week | twenty-eight, 3. week | twenty-nine, 4. week | thirty

week thirty

you know my heart...
you feel familiar 
the way a best friend 
or a soul mate would 
so i ask,
for today and for every day to come
can we share an hour or two 
and a cup of coffee
to inspire these words
that flow freely from my hand 
to your blank pages?
can we share life?
i will treasure you,
and you will keep me safe.

week twenty-nine

i have weathered this storm
many times before
and been victorious...
can this trial turn out the same??
i pray that it turns out the same...

there is half of me
that wants to hide
to just let the wind
blow life away from me
to succumb to the storm

but then the other half
yearns to show her strength
to stand up
and be brave and courageous
and look into the eye of the storm.

i am both these women
two sides of me made whole
contained inside this life
and together
we are victorious.

week twenty-eight

can you see the end
at the beginning
can you know the finale
when you start
can you learn the lessons
before the trials
or somehow just know
things are right in your heart?

i can imagine the end
at the beginning
i can plan for the finale
at the start
i know what lessons i'll learn
from these trials
and i have come to trust
that things are right in my heart.

week twenty-seven

she looks out at the open world in front of her
there is no path 
there is no known trail 
there is no guide
but she steps forward...
she looks down at the open hand in front of her
there is no guarantee 
there is no known ending 
there is no certainty
but she holds on tight...

that is tangible courage you know~
jumping before the net appears
she is brave.  

inspired by the current emotion being explored over at Scrapbooking from the Inside Out!  :)  

June

what?  can it be??  the month of june has come and gone??  well, these are some of my favorite self-portraits yet.  although, i wasn't quite able to write the poems to go with them.  its been a rough month... stagnant a little bit creatively.  but i promise there will be poems accompanying all these portraits... i promise myself mostly. 
thanks again for all of your continued support.  please feel free to comment and let me know you were by for a look.  :)

1. week | twenty-three , 2. week | twenty-four, 3. week | twenty-five , 4. week | twenty-six

week twenty-six

almost swept away 
by the brisk wind coming in off the lake
and its words whispered to me 
from behind.
my soul is tossed 
this way and that 
by the power of its wisdom. 
i am cognitive and cornered 
drawn out and enticed by my own desires
STOP
i try to scream back 
but my screams cannot be heard 
over the roar of the wind
and its backlash of memories. 
i am left wounded...
but there 
through the mists of the early morning rain 
i see a hand reaching out for me 
and know
that after i take that first step toward it
it will grasp hold of me 
and help me get to safety.

week twenty-five

 i have found a way 
to live forever
i have found a way 
to feel always safe
i have found a way 
to dance with abandon 
i have found a way 
to see my own beauty

in their memories 
i can live forever
in their hands and hearts 
i can feel always safe
in our shared friendship
i can dance with abandon 
and in their eyes
i can see my own beauty

week twenty-four

there belongs to me 
a moment ~ this moment
a sigh, perhaps
a deep, slow breath 
a heartbeat
in which i reside -- complete 
the fullness of all my past lives 
meets the emptiness of the future
and the days i have left to fill
the lines i have left to write
it is brief
and passes by sometimes before i even know it
but there are other times when i can catch it
when i can sit back and look at it
marvel at its wisdom 
and its innocence 
be fully submerged in it
bask in its beauty and knowledge


there belongs to me
a moment ~ this moment
where in the stillness i hear
my own heartbeat
and believe now is the moment to live.

week twenty-three

the eager sound of rain
suspended in my soul again...
i find shelter in the dreams of none
though you wouldn't guess it.
this soft hand touched my shoulder 
and turned my view
and it surprised me with its newness.
i never knew could happen twice 
i was lucky enough for once. 
it is not too good to be true
but so true that it is not good.
i am falling into these hidden eyes 
and wishing someone would catch me 
before its too late for regrets.
there are words of wishing
and words of knowing 
and these are the words i share.

week twenty-two

his soft brown eyes seem to know me already
and he trusts me
we have become companions these last two weeks...
he is there when i feel alone,
he loves me when i feel like no one does
he always needs my attention. 
i wonder if he likes belonging to me
as much as i like belonging to him. 
this puppy to cuddle and love 
is exactly what i need.
thank you spencer, for coming into my life.
you don't always get the dog you want
but you always get the dog you need.

May

another month down. i am getting closer and closer to the halfway mark.  i can't believe how fast this year is going by.  i have started work on my blurb book for this project that will be available for purchase one the year is complete.  im very excited about it!! 

1. week | eighteen, 2. week | nineteen, 3. week | twenty, 4. week | twenty-one

week twenty-one

this heart of mine belongs to him 
the man whose love i cherish
a precious gift has been given me
to be know, truly know...
and loved because of, not in spite of that. 
in his eyes i see all ~ 
past, present, future
and know my memories are safe with him. 
we have given ourselves to each other
an indescribable sense of belinging
my hand fits perfectly in his
my head rests perfectly on his shoulder
my love fits perfectly in his heart. 
kind words and sweet laughter
are the fuel of our lfie together. 
this man is my greatest friend. 
in this time we've spent together i have learned 
that love is not something you look for 
love is something you become.

week twenty

you have known all parts of me
you have seen the glimmer in my eyes
you have loved the worst and praised the best
you have grown and cried and laughed along with me
you have chastised my instability
you have scowled at my darkness
you have served your purpose as i serve mine
you have longed for more
you have ached for abandon
you have always known
you have always cared
for you are me ~ my reflection.

week nineteen

loneliness drips off me like beads of sweat
there is a haunting behind these eyes
please do not criticize 
the reasons for my silence. 
if only i could share the depths of my soul
if only i knew them myself
if only that was enough. 
with warm arms i hug myself
desperate for other arms 
for other statements of affection...
i see flickers, but doubt their intent.
in the heat of this day 
i am not enough;
tomorrow perchance.

week eighteen

glimmer, shine and glisten
devote, delve and listen
endure, indulge, enjoy
caress, bless, do not destroy
hold tightly 
tread lightly 
and believe in the beauty that is now.

April

april has been a blur... a whirlwind of activity.  and i am proud to say that i continued strong on my project!  i did not miss a week, and i posted my pictures faithfully every wednesday.  the themes that i addressed this month are ones that move me.  i am so proud of these words and pictures.  and i am so grateful to all of you supporting me along the way.

week seventeen

tread lightly 
on the dreams you create 
speak sweetly 
to the things you desire 
think positive 
and it will be brought to you 
for the desires of your heart
are the thoughts of your mind 
and this is the right step 
on this staircase of life.

week sixteen

i can feel your touch in the wind
a soft caress upon my skin
that seems to know me better than i know myself

somehow you know the purpose in my steps
whispering approval as i move right or left
though i yearn to find contentment in these days

it is okay not to know
it is okay to question
it is okay to dream of more

you reach out your hand
and say "i understand"

then i say "here i am"
and the sun sets on another moment.
i am glad for you.

week fifteen

to reach a goal
to arrive at a destination 
planned for, yearned for, desired
and know that it was the right road travelled
that is what today feels like.
a half-way mark, perhaps... 
but a journey i am eager to continue
i see a reward for my hard work 
and the support of others
that is what today feels like.

week fourteen

i hear words of wisdom
i see lights of hope
i taste sweet innocence
given from a place of love
i will share these words of wisdom
i will reflect the lights of hope
i will dish out innocence to damaged souls
live a life i will be proud of.

march

its hard to believe, but another month has gone by... we're a fourth of the way through 2010!! and march had five weeks so here are my five pictures.
i am really enjoying this process and the results of my weeks. i feel like i'm really developing my voice as an artist.
thank you all for being along with me on this journey.
i'm so excited for what else is to come...


1. week nine, 2. week ten, 3. week eleven, 4. week twelve, 5. week thirteen

week thirteen

there is a faraway place...
its touch is as a frostbitten dream.
within it
i see the tips of tulips,
blue with ice
a memory of a forgotten spring.
calm, serene, undisturbed
like the quiet under the water.
you were there with me once
and the touch of your hand felt like fire
against my cool skin
i have never forgotten...
in this perfectly imperfect world
there are only dreams.

week twelve

12:00 am already...
where has my day gone?
gone with the long-forgotten breaths
of all the other yesterdays~
each drenched with their own feelings,
dreams,
happenings,
each sorted into piles
somehow wishing to bring meaning
to this life of mine.
but each new second slips by
like the rising and falling tide
wishing to be fixed in time.
just as the beach will always
show evidence of this tide,
so each day, each memory will
always be evidence
of the ticking second hand...
and the days of my life.